The Bachelor Party
by Blu Rose
Summary: Ryuji didn't ask for a bachelor party, but Renzo is more than happy to ignore his wishes and throw one anyway. What's the worst that could go wrong? Spider prostitutes, that's what. (Future-based Oneshot! Rated T for suggestive plot?)


**Would you believe this was originally supposed to be a Valentine's Day story for shits and giggles? Oh well. Everyday can be Valentine's Day. Or Single Awareness Day.**

 _Disclaimer: Blu Rose doesn't own the Blue Exorcist series. Just this fic._

 _Summary: Ryuji didn't ask for a bachelor party, but Renzo is more than happy to ignore his wishes and throw one anyway. What's the worst that could go wrong? Spider prostitutes, that's what._

 **X-X-X**

"Now, which one of you wants to get married first?"

"Why should it be up to _them_? It's the bride's special day, isn't it?"

"You're right. Why don't we all consummate our marriages at the same time?"

A Jorogumo was a type of spider demon known for taking on the form of a woman to seduce men into being their husbands for the rest of their lives—and said lives didn't last long due to the jorogumo's habit of using her husband as a nest to hatch her babies in and serve as their first meal. And standing right there was a trio of them. From the waist up, they resembled women dressed like geisha: elegant kimonos hung off of their bodies, their hair styled up in the appropriate manner, and their faces painted white. But from the waist down, their bodies were no different than a spider colored in gold and black stripes, easily towering over Ryuji by virtue of their long, spindly legs.

It would've been fairly easy to exorcise them with a spoken sutra, but Ryuji's mouth had been sealed by the same webbing that had him bound up and pinned to the tatami floor, just like Konekomaru, Rin and Renzo. The latter two weren't even conscious. Renzo couldn't handle their arachnid lower halves and promptly blanked out, while Rin had gotten so drunk that he had fallen unconscious and proved no hassle to the demons.

"I can't wait until I get a taste of you, _darling_ ~!" One jorogumo cooed as she crouched down just enough to stroke Konekomaru on the cheek.

Another looked between Rin and Renzo, taking in the relatively dumb looks on their faces before sighing and tapping her long, sharp nails on her cheek. "Are these two the only choices that I have?"

The third jorogumo approached Ryuji, licking her lips. "This one will be mine. Such a rugged figure… I'll enjoy our time together, my dear."

Ryuji tried struggling against his bindings, but his body was numb and his movements were sluggish. His efforts were in vain. Damn these whorish spiders. No, damn _Renzo_! It was all _his_ fault that they were in this situation. Him and his stupid bachelor party…

 **X-X-X**

 _Earlier that evening…_

Ryuji found himself constantly questioning why he agreed to this. In less than a week, he would be a married man. And Renzo, being Renzo, suggested that they have a bachelor party in order to properly say goodbye to his life as a single man, or some nonsense like that. Not that it made any sense _to_ have a bachelor party, considering his wedding wasn't going to be something western-themed the way Rin's had been. But Ryuji thought that maybe his childhood friend was trying to make up for the disaster that had been Rin's bachelor party.

"Are we there yet?" Rin whined as he, Ryuji and Konekomaru followed behind Renzo.

"Not according to these directions," Renzo said as he kept his head down and his eyes focused on a small card.

"I'm surprised you decided to even come along, Okumura," said Ryuji. "Bachelor parties don't sound like the sort of thing married men should be attending."

"We all know why he's here. It's because he's aching to remember what it feels like to be a single bachelor again, free from the worries of upsetting his wife or looking bad to his kid," Renzo said with a laugh.

Rin ignored the statement, refusing to neither admit nor reject it. Instead, he laughed and folded his arms behind the back of his head, saying "Just think of me as a present reminder of the future that awaits you!"

"Y'see? He wants to get out and have some fun like in the good old days!"

"After _his_ bachelor party, it's amazing that he would come along," Konekomaru pointed out. "Remember?"

Rin looked back at the shorter man and frowned. "I thought we all agreed to _never_ talk about that night ever again. Besides, Renzo's learned from his mistakes. I'm sure he knows what he shouldn't do now if he knows what's good for him."

"A-are you _threatening_ me if this party happens to go awry?" Renzo asked as he looked back at his friends. "I keep telling you all that it wasn't _my_ fault that—!"

"SSSSHHHH! _Never_ again!" Rin interrupted. "I don't even feel comfortable thinking about it…"

"You were the one who thought it would be okay to throw a bachelor party back then. Nobody was even willing to come to _this_ one when they heard _you_ were behind it—not even your own brothers!" Konekomaru said as he shook his head.

"Yeah, Yukio just flat out said _'no'_ , too."

"Wh-who cares?! More fun for us then!" Renzo sounded a _bit_ like he was whining. Of course, everyone ignored him.

"Hey, Suguro! You better not get _too_ crazy tonight, or your future wife'll have your ass!" Rin teased the aria.

"As a married man, you have _far_ more to be worried about if things go wrong…" said Ryuji.

Eventually, Renzo stopped walking and smiled. "This is it!" The others stopped as well and looked up at the establishment that the pink-haired knight had led them to. "Well? What do you think?"

"…It's…not a strip club," Rin pointed out the obvious while Ryuji and Konekomaru nodded in agreement.

"It's an ochaya," Ryuji stated. "How the heck did someone like _you_ get a reservation at a place like this?"

"Especially since it's so tasteful," Konekomaru added.

Renzo gave a wry smile as he placed his hands on his hips. "You guys…really expected me to mess this up, didn't you?" They didn't even hesitate nodding. "If I weren't such a nice guy, I'd be offended." And once again, his disappointment in his friends was ignored.

"A teahouse! I don't think I've ever visited one of these!" Rin exclaimed.

"A place like this feels almost too classy to hold a bachelor party," said Ryuji. "These are the kind of places where business men get together to settle deals and whatnot."

"But at the same time, it's unlikely we'd encounter anything that we did during Okumura's— I mean, it's unlikely for anything bad to happen. Good job, Shima!" Konekomaru congratulated the pink-haired man.

"Yeah, I know what Bon favors!" Renzo said with a smile as he put his hands on his hips. He started laughing, feeling victorious. But in the back of his mind, he thought _'They don't have to know that this place wasn't_ _ **my**_ _suggestion…'_

 **X-X-X**

Days ago, Renzo stood in the office of Mephisto Pheles before the desk of the man himself. The demon king had been playing a handheld game, and while it may have looked like he was too focused on said game to pay mind to the pink-haired man, Renzo felt that he had been aware of his presence for a while. After a few minutes spent in silence, waiting to be addressed, Renzo spoke, "You wanted to see me, Sir Pheles?"

A smile crept onto Mephisto's face that would've seemed unsettling to anyone not used to him. "I hear tell that our Suguro-kun will be having a bachelor party later this month in celebration of his upcoming marriage."

Renzo blinked, surprised that he knew about it. Really, it had only been a thought brought up by Renzo that almost everyone had been vehemently against. After all those years, no one could forget about the stupid stripper incident that was Rin's bachelor party and refused to let Renzo forget it… "Well, it's still in the planning process… By which I mean that it's probably not going to happen."

Mephisto actually bothered to look up from his game to shoot Renzo a disappointed look, if only for a moment. " _What_?! After that _marvelous_ party that I heard was thrown for Okumura-kun a while back?"

"Yeah, about that. You still haven't said why you didn't want to come along for it despite suggesting the, erm… _entertainment_." Renzo _wanted_ to tease the idea that maybe Mephisto planned for Rin's bachelor party to be a disaster out of spite since he hadn't been invited, and that he would likely do the same again for Ryuji's. But accusations may have landed him in hot water with his superior. So the unspoken insinuation just hung in the air.

"If it's ideas that you're lacking, I have a suggestion to make." With a snap of his fingers and a puff of pink smoke, a card appeared on Mephisto's desk. Renzo leaned forward to get a better look at the card as the demon continued, "An ochaya! The perfect place for a traditional man having a traditional Japanese wedding to reminisce about his last days as a bachelor! It's even in Kyoto. Quite convenient, no?"

"Uh, that's a… _good_ suggestion, Sir Pheles, but I can't afford to hold a party in place like that."

The smile on Mephisto's face became wider, flashing his sharp teeth. "Well then, I suppose out of the kindness of my heart, I will make the arrangements for Suguro-kun's party. I'm even willing to let you take the credit."

"Wow, that's…!" Renzo trailed off and his smile dropped. "Actually, the last time you said I could have all the credit, Okumura's bachelor party turned out to be a disaster."

"That was unintentional. It's always a surprise when strippers turn out to have been possessed by succubi." The Demon King of Time smiled. "Come now! What are the chances something like that could happen again?"

 **X-X-X**

' _Well, it's not like anything bad could happen in a nice place like this,'_ Renzo thought after they had entered the ochaya. Right now the boys were being led down a hall by a woman dressed in a simple-looking kimono. The woman eventually stopped before a shoji door and slid it open, gesturing for the group to enter. The men all entered, although Renzo stayed back for a few seconds to look at their guide as she left before joining his friends. Nothing unusual-looking about her. His paranoia really was unfounded.

"Y'know," Ryuji began as they sat down on cushions positioned around the short-legged table, "I almost suspected that this place was a strip club with a theme."

"Same," Rin and Konekomaru agreed at the same time.

"Aw, come on! Now you guys are doing this just to be mean!" Renzo complained.

"I'm looking forward to this! Never been entertained by a geisha before!" Rin said with a smile.

"Something to tell the kid and wifey without fear of reprimanding?" The pink-haired man asked, feeling spiteful.

The spawn of Satan, however, was too excited to notice said spite. "They'll be so jealous! I should probably take pictures…"

"Not sure if you should be showing your wife something like that," Ryuji commented.

"Maybe your fiancée doesn't find you trustworthy, but my wife and I have established a bond of trust and understanding," Rin said with a huff.

"…Did you practice that?"

"Yeah, a little. Told ya: I'm your future."

The conversation was interrupted by the door sliding open once more. A trio of geishas entered the room, looking identical save for the color of their kimonos. "Greetings, gentlemen," the red-clad geisha began. "We will have the honor of sharing each other's company tonight." She bowed and the other two, dressed in yellow and purple respectively, followed in suit. "Now, shall we begin?"

The yellow and purple-clad geishas began the festivities by playing a flute and biwa while the geisha dressed in red performed a dance. At several instances, her eyes seemed to be focused on Ryuji for the longest of times, which didn't go unnoticed by him. After a while, the woman in red began singing. Her voice sounded hypnotizing, and if the men felt tense from the beginning of the performance, it all melted away. Eventually, the performance ended with the applause of the group and the women began chatting with the men, serving them drinks and generally being sociable.

"Are you certain that you don't want something stronger than tea, Suguro-san?" The geisha in red asked as she poured more tea into Ryuji's cup.

"I'm fine. Besides, I believe that _someone_ has to be sober by the end of this." Ryuji took a sip of tea as he looked around the room at his friends, who were consorting with the other geisha. "And everybody else is getting drunk, so that automatically falls to me."

"And what do you do, Miwa-san?" Asked the geisha in yellow who was sitting next to Konekomaru.

"I…I'm an exorcist," Konekomaru told her as she poured another cup of sake for him.

"Exorcist? As in, you slay demons? But you're so cute!" The yellow-clad geisha exclaimed.

Konekomaru blushed and scratched his cheek. "C-cute?! W-well…"

Renzo stared enviously as the geisha next to Konekomaru continued gush about him. Meanwhile, the geisha in purple who was sitting between himself and Rin was paying more attention to the son of Satan, who'd already gotten drunk before finishing the first cup of sake.

"You must meet a _lot_ of people in your proof…prof… _job_ ," Rin asked as the woman poured more for him to drink.

"I certainly meet many an interesting man, Okumura-san. But what about _you_? Are you an exorcist as well?" The geisha asked as she flashed him a smile.

"Yeah! All of us are!" Rin spoke cheerfully before taking another sip. "We're from the… We're from a place called True Cross Town."

"My, that must be an exciting job!"

"Oh, yeah!" Renzo exclaimed, worming his way into the conversation as he turned his attention to the purple-clad geisha. "We've slain a lot of demons together and overcome quite a few difficulties."

"Oooh! How dashing! How daring!" The woman in purple hid her mouth behind her sleeve-covered hand. "You must be better than those exorcists who run around here in Kyoto!"

"W-well…"

"'Scuse me!" Rin interrupted. "This may be kinda rude and weird, but can I take a picture of you? My wife will be _so_ mad at me if I didn't even _try_ to get a picture of a geisha."

The geisha pouted. "You're really married? I thought that ring on your finger was to hold off the girls who chased after you."

"Ha-ha-ha! No, no! Been married for 4 years! Suguro over there will be married soon, too."

The geisha in yellow looked at Konekomaru with a pout. "Are _you_ in a relationship, Miwa-san?"

"Me? No, not now… Someday, maybe."

"I envy the woman who'll get to marry such a charming man!" Once again, her compliments combined with the aria's tipsiness got them both smiling and laughing.

The geisha in purple had taken to observing Renzo for a few seconds before saying, "I am certain that _you_ aren't in a relationship."

"Nope! I'm single, but eager to make a match!" Renzo said with a wink. "I just hope whatever ladies I get together with are half as attractive as you are, miss!"

"My, aren't you the charmer?"

The red-clad geisha refilled Ryuji's cup once more. "So, Suguro-san… This person that that you're marrying…does she set your heart on fire?"

Ryuji snorted. "I wouldn't quite say that."

"Well, how would you describe her? I'm curious to hear what sort of woman managed to capture the heart of a man like you."

Ryuji took a drink before saying, "Bossy. Insulting. Overly sensitive…"

The geisha pouted as she poured him another drink. "That…doesn't sound like such a nice person to spend the rest of your life with."

"That's just what I thought of off of the thought of my head. Unfortunately, her worst traits are the ones that are often on the surface." Ryuji took another drink, which the geisha was happy to refill. He noticed how lighthearted he began to feel, but decided that it was because of the woman he was thinking of right now. "But she can also be caring, considerate, dedicated…" He took another drink. "And she can be pretty cute when we're alone together. Cuter than when we're in public, anyway."

"Is that so? What kind of woman refuses to be affectionate to her lover in public? There's no shame in expressing one's love for another. Could you _really_ stand to be with a woman like that, day in and day out? Waking up to her year after year, for the rest of your life?"

"Making a marriage work can't be easy. But I'm certain the two of us can." Actually, though he didn't want to admit it out loud, Ryuji did have his doubts that he attributed to cold feet as the day of his wedding approached. He wondered if their marriage would last, or if it would fall apart in some short time. Heaven knows how volatile their relationship had been before they got serious about each other. Would it just deteriorate into something worse with time if they weren't compatible?

Time passed. One would think that the party would be winding down half an hour later, and…they would be right. The boys, after drinking so much alcohol at the spurring of the geishas, had become pleasantly numb and not as conversational as they had been a while ago. Rin had been the first to fall unconscious and was currently snoring away on the floor. The yellow and purple-clad geishas had cuddled up to Konekomaru and Renzo respectively, giving the exorcists kisses as their hands groped particularly sensitive areas. The geisha in red was trying to do the same to Ryuji with her head resting on his shoulder while one hand attempted to slip into the back of his pants. And Ryuji, if only because his mind was so clouded with pleasure that instead of getting upset, blindly accepted her actions.

"Suguro-san…" She whispered into his ear. "Do you like me? Wouldn't you rather marry me instead of that awful-sounding woman? I'm certain I could make you happier in an evening than she could in a lifetime.

Ryuji said nothing. Not because he was mulling over the thought of ditching his fiancée for this overly familiar woman, but the utter opposite. The mention of her had prompted him to brush the woman off of him, but he physically couldn't. Suddenly, the pleasing numbness that he thought was associated with drunkenness seemed more sinister. He looked at Konekomaru from across the table. As the yellow-clad geisha sitting close to him whispered something into his ear, Konekomaru blinked a few times and his body language became more tense. The same happened to Renzo, who looked shocked and panicky.

"H-hold on a second!" Renzo exclaimed, shuddering in place. "I don't wanna get married yet!"

"I'm sorry, I think you're mistaken. You seem to believe you have options, darling," the purple-clad geisha said with a frown.

"That's right, Konekomaru-san~! We're going to become husband and wife until you die!" The yellow-clad geisha cooed as she drew circles on his chest.

Under normal circumstances, a woman proclaiming that they were going to get married to him regardless of his opinion would've upset him or creeped him out. But Konekomaru's attention was focused on Ryuji. "Bon." If he had more to say, it was interrupted by the geisha in yellow shoving him down to the floor before she began to straddle him. "G-get off of me!" Konekomaru shouted, but he couldn't move.

"Just what do you think you're doing?!" Ryuji snapped.

"Nabbing husbands, of course," the purple-clad geisha said with a vicious-looking smirk before she did the same to Renzo. "The modern day woman sometimes has to approach the man first."

"It's a shame, Suguro-san. I was hoping you would be willing to accept my offer," the red-clad geisha spoke. She sighed before nonchalantly shoving Ryuji to the floor, where she looked down on him with contempt. "But you don't necessarily have to want me to become my husband," she continued in a cold tone.

From his position on the floor, Ryujii watched as the two other geisha in red seemed to grow in height. He watched as their kimonos spread apart and ripped as long, slender, spider legs poked their way out, black and striped with a golden yellow. "Jorogumo…" Ryuji spoke darkly as he narrowed his eyes. Konekomaru was clenching his teeth as yellow-clad demon took off his glasses. Renzo's eyes had rolled into the back of his head, a sign that he had fainted. Rin…was not even stirring the slightest bit from his spot on the floor despite the commotion. Ryuji wasted no time. He began to speak the words he knew was the fatal verse of the Jorogumo, and Konekomaru joined in as well. Ryuji felt himself being grabbed and lifted up into the air so he could face the spider woman, even as he kept uttering the words. The red-clad Jorogumo's face became contorted with anger before she forced her lips onto Ryuji's. He felt something liquid being spat into his mouth and down his throat. It made his throat burn and his vision blur before his world went black.

 **X-X-X**

 _Present_

Ryuji was broken out of his thoughts by the yellow-clad Jorogumo saying, "I want Konekomaru-san! Our children will be just _adorable_!"

The purple-clad Jorogumo looked back and forth between Rin and Renzo. "I suppose I'll take the pink head. But what will we do with the other one?"

"He isn't human. Should we eat him?"

"Why not?"

The Jorogumo in red had been staring at Ryuji with desire in her eyes as he tried in vain to bite through the webbing that was binding him. "And I will have this one." She bent over to touch his cheek and smirked. "I'm a bit upset that I wasn't able to convince you peacefully to be my husband, but I'm certain you'll make a wonderful father to my children—"

"Huh? What's going on?" Rin slurred as he opened his bleary eyes. He looked around at the geisha Jorogumo and his restrained friends. It took a few seconds for his alcohol-addled mind to work out that something _bad_ was happening. Despite Kurikara being bound up with him in his cocoon of webbing, the half-demon managed to unsheathe it just enough to ignite himself. Blue flames surrounded him and quickly burned through the webbing that constricted him. "I dunno what's happening, but I don't like it!" He shouted before the flames spread out, covering everyone in the room.

While his friends only found himself burned out of their bindings, the Jorogumo trio had been set on fire and their shrieks of pain filled the room. Ryuji and Konekomaru offered assistance as they chanted the fatal sutra that had been interrupted before the screaming Jorogumo began to shrink, until their shapes resembled that of three small spiders that were quickly consumed by Rin's flames. "Oh, thank goodness…!" Konekomaru panted. "We were so close to being killed by those…women…"

"Hey, look on the bright side, guys!" Rin spoke, obviously still drunk. "It was _way_ less violent than _my_ bachelor party! Way to go, Shima! Ya didn't screw up so bad this time around!" He crouched down next to the pink-haired man and patted him on the shoulder, seemingly not noticing that he was still unconscious.

"Okumura… The rest of us can't move," Ryuji explained. "You're gonna have to carry us back to the inn."

"Okay… But how will we explain it to everyone when I walk in carrying the three of you when we all smell like alcohol?"

Ryuji groaned from frustration and squeezed his eyes shut as the possible ending to _that_ scenario popped up in his mind. It wasn't pretty, and it involved his mother and fiancée giving him an earful with all the fury they both could muster. "Maybe we should just sit here and think about how we're going to explain this to the people at the front desk…until we can all walk out of her under our own power."

Rin gave him a thumbs up and grinned. "Now you're thinking like a married man!"

 **X-X-X**

 _Notes_

 **Jorogumo are figures of Japanese legend whose name can be translated into "Binding Bride" or "Whore/Prostitute Spider". One legend involving a jorogumo includes a monk who chants a Buddhist sutra to break her hold on a man she seduces.**

 **Geisha aren't prostitutes so much as hostesses—traditional Japanese style. Their services includes chats, music-playing, dancing and engaging in traditional Japanese games.**

 **Ochaya are _very_ expensive businesses where people are tended to by geisha. It usually requires connections and clientele is of a very specific sort.**


End file.
